Top 12 Ways To Hasten The Aging Process

Well I think the Olympic hangover has passed and now it’s time to get down to business right? I’ve got so many fitness strategies to share this year and I’m very motivated. I thought today’s post should expand on the last post a bit. This was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek but I think it brings home the message quite well.

Most people, in the post Olympic wake have become super-motivated to get their fitness on track. Others are more hell bent than ever to make life on earth a long and painful ordeal. This post is for them. I mean why should I just give advice to people who want to change their lives for the better? People who want make life miserable for themselves need love too. So here we go….

If you want to hasten the loss of your functional lean muscle mass, and age more quickly biologically by accelerating the rate of oxidative damage and injury to your body, apply the following strategy:

Old lady smoking1. Remain sedentary, watch sports on TV  instead of playing them and avoid physical activity and exercise like the plague.

2. Sit for long periods of time in front of a computer, at a desk or behind the steering wheel of a car. Don’t move your body unless you absolutely have to, and even then try and find an alternative. Hire someone if you have to.

3. Stay up late every night and learn to live with sleep deprivation. Sleep is a human weakness. Your enemies could kill you while you sleep and besides, it’s a waste of time compared to working or watching TV.

4. Drink anything except clean, pure filtered water and make it your mission to stay permanently dehydrated.

5. Acidify your body with excess alcohol, prescription drugs and junk food. Use white flour and sucrose as food staples.

6. Keep your cortisol levels (the stress hormone) elevated all the time (a muscle wasting hormone) with a nasty attitude, an angry disposition and avoid workshops that teach you how to manage mental & emotional stress through meditation and relaxation.

7. Smoke your brains out with modern tobacco (cigarettes); the kind with the added chemicals.

8. Under eat and maintain a negative calorie intake. Who cares if you lose all your muscle mass and look emaciated? Don’t rodents live longer when they’re fed calorie-restricted diets? (Answer: Yes, but only ones in cages).

9. Avoid foods rich in potassium, calcium, zinc, selenium, iron and magnesium, such as organic root vegetables, seafood, greens and wild game. Consume high amounts of sodium chloride.

10. Maintain a negative nitrogen state or negative protein balance by under-supplying your body’s essential need for amino acids in the form of high-quality, non-denatured low-fat protein.

11. Incorporate tons of long distance running, cycling and swimming and participate in aerobic classes as frequently as possible, but never, never, never lift a weight.

12. Make work your sole ambition. Don’t make any time for your wife, husband, children or family. Don’t make any time for breaks. Don’t make any time for decent food or a nutritious diet. Don’t make any time for exercise. Push yourself to the limit and don’t allow any margin for error. The truth is you can take it with you!

For those who wish to minimize the loss of functional lean mass, preserve their bone density, age more slowly biologically and control how their genes are expressed in a very constructive and positive manner, please do the opposite of the aforementioned 12 guidelines.

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Craig Simms
Craig Simms is a personal trainer and weight loss coach in Vancouver, B.C. Craig has been a fitness leader for over 11 years and has amassed over 15,000 hours of personal training experience in that span. He specializes in personalized weight management programs.
Craig Simms
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1 Comment

  1. Petr July 29, 2010

    LOVE IT!!! Absolutely superb and funny way how to learn about this issue!! please more of these. Petr

    reply

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